Saturday, April 20, 2013

40, Fibro, and Fabulous

I remember my friends and I joking about being 40 in middle school.  I was a pretty clumsy kid and everyone, including myself, thought I'd be in a wheelchair by the time I hit 40 because of how accident-prone I was.  I know now that most of my clumsiness was due to having Fibromyalgia.  I just didn't know that at the time.  The big 4, O is coming up for me in early May, and though I'm not as agile as I used to be, I'm not, thankfully, in a wheelchair as was once predicted for my future. 

Still, 40 used to be this big deal when I was growing up.  I remember all of these women who were my mother's age talking about how they still felt young, even though half of their life was supposedly over.  About a decade or so ago, 50 and 60 became the new 40. Everyone from Oprah and Cher to Madonna was weighing in on that young age.

I personally remember 30 being a big deal to me.  I felt old, but not the kind of old that you may think.  I felt wise, both spiritually and mentally.  It was a wonderful and frightening experience all at the same time.  Wonderful because I was starting to feel comfortable in my own skin.  Not that I was ever uncomfortable, per say, but felt less awkward, and in turn, felt more liberated to speak my mind without worrying so much about hurt feelings.

Spiritually was an all together different experience for me.  I've never been one to profess my faith.  In other words, I don't shout it on the highest mountain for everyone to hear about it.  My faith is something personal to my own being, and nothing more.  I do not force my beliefs on anyone.  I personally believe this as my own truth and not anyone else of my particular faith.  I must stress this because of my actual faith.  I know what I am SUPPOSED to do, but I CHOSE not to.  Some of it has to do with certain entries in the Bible, other reasons have to do with the constant door-to-door religions that I've come across in my own life.  I would never want to bother anyone like that-- especially on a person's sacred day as far as THEIR religion is concerned.  It is not nice as far as I'm concerned.  Conversion should ONLY be done when the person WANTS it-- period.  My opinion-- sorry.  Having said that-- EVERYONE is entitled to their own beliefs-- whether you believe in a higher power or not.  There are many roads in life, enough said. 

But what took me a while to realize about spirituality is that it really isn't a separate part of one's life.  Your body is a temple, just like many religions and bibles state.  If you fuel your body with junk, you can't help others in your life because you will get sick.  If you don't think about yourself, along with the ones you care about, you won't be able to love to your fullest capacity.  You really need to treat your body right in order to feel as balanced as you can-- regardless of your faith.

I remember listening once to a safety video for when you are on a plane and if the oxygen masks come down, you were supposed to give yourself a puff first.  I always struggled with this when I was young.  I would have given the oxygen to my child first-- just me and what I thought.  But they always say to give yourself the first puff so you can be awake enough to administer the oxygen to your child.

It was tough for me to understand until I hit 30. I came to these revelations because I had to change my lifestyle due to my diagnoses of Fibromyalgia.  I look back on my thirties as a period of solid growth, mind, body, and spirit.  And if it wasn't for my diagnoses, I probably would have never have had these feelings of revelation.  I am grateful for the growth in my life.

Honestly, if it wasn't for Fibromyalgia, I would have never been able to find the me I was looking for.  I hid my true self to everyone, including myself, in my twenties.  I thought I had to because I needed to survive. I was at a job I hated, but stayed because it paid most of the bills.  I took a second job because I needed some down time without spending the money.  I settled on a job as a cocktail waitress at my favorite karaoke bar. 

I worked both of these diligently and fearlessly until my body completely crashed.  My breaking point?  I used to work a 6 am- to when they'd let me out at my first job.  Sometimes it was on time (2:30 pm) but that was very rare.  Sometimes it was 7 pm, which was also rare.  Retail is so unpredictable.  My second job, though, was always predictable.  It was from 8 pm- bar closing.  I actually loved that job because of it's predictability.  But that was all that I loved.  There was A LOT I didn't like and most had to do with how some people thought a waitress should be treated, hence, I tended to cater to the regulars.  They didn't tip as well as the ones who wanted a good time, but I TRULY didn't care for that.  I was struggling to find the me, even though it was twinkling at this point.

One day though, I got my wake up call.  I thought I over slept for my first (and full-time) job, when in fact, I was just waking from a nap.  I was disorientated by seeing 6:00 on my clock.  I honestly thought it was 6 am when in fact it was 6 pm.  I frantically called the store and got my boss.  I thought it was weird that she was there already but I figured she was the opener for the day.  Once my boss understood my apologetic banter, she stated plainly, Kim, it's 6 pm, not 6 am.  I knew then that I hit obsessive, compulsive, over-worked, bottom.  It was then that I vowed to lower my part-time hours and reassess what I was doing with my life.  Of course, I didn't completely get there until diagnoses, but my bottom helped.

I hope my 40's aren't as traumatic, as my thirties.  Don't get me wrong-- I like to learn-- I really do-- and sometimes I really need that slap in the face to learn, but I'm tired.  We've all been so bombarded with negativity lately.  Some of us with illnesses like Fibro, cancer, Alzheimer's, or the like.  And others are dealing with abuse like rape, harassment, or worse-- your kids are going through it.  Some of us want to crawl under a rock and don't want to come out until all of the terrorism is over.  I relate to all of these situations, unfortunately.  I've felt them all and try to live past them daily.  It's not easy. 

I honestly want my 40's to be less traumatic so I can focus on all of you, my readers.  I've been trying very hard to publish a few books, some fiction, some non-fiction,  but it's taking a lot longer than I thought due to my crazed life.  I need some time to weed through my thoughts, some time to edit, and some time to format so I can publish my next books for all of you, but my time and thoughts are lacking at the moment due to the life of caregiving.

I'd like to see this blog go into some new directions, BUT, I need your help with that!  Please do me favor for my 40th birthday and leave a comment, or even a personal email (kimberley@kimberleylinstruth-beckom.com), and let me know what topics YOU'D like to see here. 

I'm trying hard to keep this blog as fresh as I can, but I stall sometimes, just like every other writer.  I want these fresh ideas because I'm actually also really close to a short term goal I have for this blog, and that's 10,000 hits a month.  I'm CLOSE!  I average very close to 8,000 right now. 

My last recent post hit an all time daily high of over 500 hits.  I had NO idea that you all wanted me to let you know about my life again.  This is where your help comes in.  My fresh can only go so far.

My other goal is to have 100,000 total hits by my actual birthday (which is May 3rd).  Not sure if I can make that one.  I'm off by a little over 17,000 hits at this point.  But it's still a nice goal/dream to have.  If you'd like to help me with that, please share my blog with someone who may need it.

Having said all of this, what topics interest you?  Are you into how you can train your dog to help you more?  Would you like more posts on pregnancy?  Having a little one?  The dynamic of having an older one and NOT trying to depend on them too much?  More talk on the latest studies?  Medicines?  You name it!  Comment below or email me personally!

Stay fabulous!
Love and friendship,

Kimberley
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