Saturday, June 4, 2011

Fibro Fog: The Bad and the Ugly of Fibromyalgia

I knew in the beginning where I'd go with this post but somehow the words are becoming a bit of a blur.  My thoughts are in muddled water, slipping through the dried cracks of the earth I refer to as my brain.  Some thoughts have laid there so long that they've dried up in a desert like fashion, hoping and praying for rain.  Still, I know I wanted to express my thoughts about fibro fog and how it's grip takes hold on my day to day living, but I just can't put my finger on the words that I wanted to express.

I think you know what I mean when I say fibro fog, right?  It's that thing that keeps me and every other sufferer who has this symptom from thinking straight.  It can send one into spirals that swirl in every direction, and unfortunately for me, they tend to go downward when I'm faced with the fact that my focus isn't as clear as it needs to be.

Fibro fog is a horrible symptom of fibromyalgia.  It can make you feel depressed, crazy, and in your darkest hours, even feel dumb.  I know I've felt dumb.  I try to express myself and then boom-- my fog hits and there's the wall and all forms of communication have turned to mush.  Dear friends of mine have uttered the heart ripping phrase, your roots are showing, and I'd laugh it off trying to conceal the gut wrenching thoughts going through my head.  I was the supposed sensible brunette, as my mother put it.  I should never, as far as she was concerned, be compared to a blonde stereotype.

It's frustrating when you can't get your point across, but I find that much better to deal with as opposed to not being able to drive.  Yes, there are times when I'm so uncomfortable with my fog that I don't drive.  I know I say you should always try to look at the positive side of things and work through your illness.

But I wouldn't be a good blogger if I didn't tell you that even I say when.  Driving is, and has always been a when with me.  I get very emotional when it comes to driving.  A car is like a weapon, was drilled into me in the all too literal sense.  When I was beginning my driving lessons, a friend of mine, who was under the influence, died at the wheel when he was 16.  It was a life changing experience for me and I vowed to try and make safe rides home for all of my friends, however, I failed in college when two other friends fell asleep at the wheel. To this day, I still feel responsible, even though I know that I've done everything humanly possible to help.

None of these incidences clearly have anything to do with my illness.  Fibro DOES NOT cause stupidity or sleepiness during college.  I want to make that totally clear-- even with Goggle.  But the impact of what CAN happen still stings my ears.  Yes, I have an illness, but I sometimes can't get to that appointment even if I want to due to my fear of fog.

Some may say that I should just get over it because everyone experiences a momentary lapse of reason, but I know better.  This is a very real symptom and gosh darn it, I could hurt someone.  Learning the signs has helped me to know when to say when.

  1. Over thinking 
  2. Deep thoughts
  3. Forgetfullness
  4. Short term memory loss
These are all signs of fibro fog and you should take heed to them when you are experiencing a flare.  Fog comes during every flare of mine as of late and concentration has been hard.  I can't tell you how many times I've had to rewrite my blogs before I've posted-- it's the God's honest truth.  It's been tough.

But I need you to know that it can be overcome or reworked.  Driving is always a touchy subject with people.  We Americans really have no choice but to use an automobile for transportation, and usually we are the ones driving ourselves everywhere.  It's hard sometimes to keep up with the non-ill, however, I've developed a mantra, no destination is worth reaching if you can't come up with the toll.  I live with that every day.

Stay fabulous,
Love friendship,

Kimberley
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